Incessantly...

Angry and frustrated or filled with joy?
Overwhelmed and stressed or hopeful?
Worried and anxious or filled with peace?

The state of mind that I wish to be is obvious.  I want to be a joy-filled, hopeful person - at peace about my life and in my relationships.  

I know I have the key, the answer.  I know how to be joyful in any circumstance.  I know what it is to be filled with hope.  I know what it is to be at peace.  Jesus provides all this for me.  He is my joy, because he shares his reward with me.  He is my hope, because he brought me from darkness to light.  He is my peace, because he did for me what I could not do for myself, live without sin and overcome the punishment for my sin.

I KNOW these things... But, there are times I find myself angry or frustrated, overwhelmed and worried. I have come to realize, that my mind is incessant.  Here is the definition I found on dictionary.com for incessant:
incessant:  continuing without interruption; ceaseless; unending

I can be either incessantly thinking about myself, my problems, my relationships, my failures, my successes and the list goes on.  

Or, I can be incessantly praying.  

In Philippians, Paul urges "pray without ceasing."  What a difference prayer makes. I think I finally realize why Paul urges this for believers. We NEED help!  

I need help in everything.  I need help to love my husband and kids.  I need help to care about my neighbors.  I need help to put aside my insecurities and be who God created me to be.  I need help to know when to say yes and when to say no.  I need help to understand God's word.  I need help to use my finances wisely.  I need help to hold my tongue at times and to speak up at other times.  I need help to trust God - that he knows my needs before I even ask.  I need help to forgive people who have hurt me.  I need help to be disciplined in all areas of my life.  I need help to raise my kids in a way that would honor God.  I need help to distinguish truth from lies in a deceitful world.  I need help to not just seek earthly successes, but to seek heavenly rewards. I need help!

Prayer is my help!  

It says in Romans 8:34 "Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us."  WOW!  In the Message it says this:

The One who died for us - who was 

raised to life for us! - is in the presence of God 

at this very moment sticking up for us."

Speaking of incessant.  Wow!  Jesus praying for me!?!  At this very moment!?!  

Lord, help me to remember this when I am frustrated or overwhelmed or worried.  I can pray incessantly and ask for help in all circumstances.  
And when I don't have words to pray, I can trust that Jesus is praying and apparently HE prays...

...incessantly.  

My boys

I have noticed lately that while talking with friends the conversation inevitably lends itself to me sharing my potty training woes or my sleepless nights with a baby woes.

Afterwards, I feel guilty.

I love my little accident prone 3 1/2 year old and my sleep-through-the-night-when-I-want-to 8 month old.  Today, I need to remember that this is just a season.  I want to focus NOT on what they do or don't do, but on who they are.  

Caleb

Handsome

Funny (I don't often get his jokes, but he just thinks he is hilarious)

Loves being dirty or wet

Yells "Look at that HUGE tree trunk," over and over when driving down Hazel St. in River Falls (makes me crack up)

Ticklish

A kind and thoughtful big brother

Big blue eyes

Loves to play board games

Loves to play hide and seek and count to 10

Starts the alphabet with A, B, C, E every time and insists that there is no D

Whispers intensely when he is being playful

Screams "WHAT!?!?" when he's being silly.  (As if to say, "What? Who me? No Way"

Hides from Dad almost every day when I say "Daddy's home!"

Loves the "libwrary"

Thinks he's Super Why 

He's got some amazing eyelashes

Will talk about his birthday party (which was 7 months ago) every time we make a cake, see a cake, talk about a cake.  He'll say, "Queen cake?  Candles?  Basketball."  I guess his 3rd birthday party with the McQueen (Cars) cake, with 3 candles in it at the local gymnasium has left quite an impression.

Said "Delicious" in perfect pronunciation the other night at dinner.

Says emphatically "Come on Mom" and waves his hands for me to follow him whenever he really wants me to see something that he thinks is interesting

He gives the best hugs and kisses

He's a great helper in the kitchen - whether with the dishes or if we're baking a cake

He's ours - a combination of Tim and I, chosen for us by God

Benjamin

Handsome

Giggly

Wakes up most every morning happy and on his knees ready to go

Learning how to crawl

Amazed at the marvel of his hands

Loves being outside and would roll around and eat the grass if I let him

Snuggles right into my neck when he's tired or just ready to be picked up

His adorable birth mark on his left knee

Big blue eyes

Could watch and observe his older brother all day

Loves to EAT!  Can't feed him fast enough

Long and lean and oh so cute

He's got a bit of a natural faux hawk (not that he has much hair), but the fuzz in the middle is longer

He looks at me with love in his eyes

He's pretty easy going - goes with the flow

He's got a little itty bitty dimple on the right side of his smile that I didn't even notice until someone pointed it out to me.  

He's ours - a combination of Tim and I, chosen for us by God

What is it about us that God loves?  

Is is my obedience?  My perfection?  My ability to do things for Him?

No, God loves me because I am His and he made me.  I love my boys because they are mine.  It's so fun to write out all the ways they bring me joy and delight, just because of who they are, not for what they do.  Thank you, Lord, for Caleb and Benjamin!

Sitting with my cup of coffee...

Who I want to be and who I am don't match up.  At least that's how I feel.

I want to be a woman, who is disciplined in exercise and diet, who knows how to cook (really cook), who gets up at the same time every day for time alone with God and who goes to bed at an hour that will allow my morning goal to be a reality, who gardens and sews and decorates like the magazines, who dresses well, who has all the paperwork in the house perfectly filed and understands all of the paperwork that comes through the mail (i.e. health benefits), who spends a well-balanced time on the computer, in front of the tv, on the phone, on the iPad without neglecting my time to be with God, His Word and in prayer every day.

I want to be a wife who loves and respects my husband well, who writes encouraging notes, who makes him yummy lunches, who makes home-made delicious dinners every night, who prays diligently for him throughout the day, and who honors him with my time, my ear, my heart when he is home.

I want to be a wife and mom who goes above and beyond for my family, who is always finding ways to treat them to fun days out, who is able to make just the right dinner to please everyone (while still being healthy), who is able to encourage and build up my husband and kids in just the way that they need.

I want to be a mom who plays patiently with my kids whether it's molding play-dough, racing cars, building castles and shooting hoops, bike riding, coloring or painting.  I want to be a mom who teaches my kids basic things like letters, numbers, how to be polite, and how to write their names.  I want to be a mom who teaches extraordinary things like who God is and instill in them a desire to know and love Him through His story, and how to be respectful of others, how to serve others, and how to love our friends and our "enemies."

I want to be a friend who remembers birthdays and gives just the right gift, who knows when to talk and when to listen, and who serves others more than seeks to be served.

Ugh...   Really?  Is this beneficial to dwell on?  All of these things are who I think I want to be, but, what I really want is to do all of these things so that my family, friends and God will love me and boast about me.  I need to stop and remember TRUTH.  The truth about who I am.  Last spring I read the book, "Victory Over the Darkness."  What a blessing to be reminded in those pages of my identity in Christ.

Being a Christian is not just a matter of getting something; it's a matter of being someone.  A Christian is not simply a person who gets forgiveness, who gets to go to heaven, who gets the Holy Spirit, who gets a new nature.  A Christian, in terms of our deepest identity, is a saint, a spiritually born child of God, a divine masterpiece, a child of light, a citizen of heaven.  Being born again transformed you into someone who didn't exist before.  What you receive as a Christian isn't the point; its who you are.  It's not what you do as a Christian that determines who you are; it's who you are that determines what you do.
{2 Corinthians 5:17; Ephesians 2:10; 1 Peter 2:9,10; 1 John 3:1.2}

When all of my wanting to "DO" becomes my identity, I become discouraged and defeated.  I forget that it is not what I do that matters to God.  God sees me as I am in Christ.  I belong to Him.  He sees me and He loves me.  All the things I want to be (and do) are good and decent things to desire and seek after, but when they begin to mar my identity in Christ they are not beneficial for me to dwell on.

In Christ I am a saint, saved by grace, with the Holy Spirit dwelling in me.   When I believe this - who I am and who I want to be, match up.  I want to be loved.  In Christ, it's not for what I do and how well I do it, but I am loved because Christ is in me.  Getting up early to spend time with Him is not a chore, but an opportunity for worship and showing gratitude for His mercy and goodness towards me.

Whew!  So, it's okay for me to sit with a cup of coffee and unwind during the day without fretting about all the missed opportunities to be perfectly loving and perfectly perfect?  Yes!

In Christ, I am united to the Lord and am one spirit with Him.
1 Corinthians 6:17





                      

Our concrete slab

I grew up going to Manitou Springs, CO almost every summer to visit my grandparents.  Their house is located on the main drag on the edge of town, just before driving up into the mountains.  The old Victorian home is set back from the main road by trees and a bridge over Fountain Creek, which runs right through their front yard.  

Oh, I have so many WoNdErFuL memories of that house from growing up!  We would play in the freezing water of the creek, put on plays with my cousins in the backyard, throw apples over the bridge and watch them float by, climb the mountain behind the house, and so much more!

But...

... my favorite memory - by far - is just sitting.  I have countless memories of sitting on the front porch with my family and friends.  We would wake up and eat breakfast on the porch.  We would sit around and joke with Grandpa on the front porch.  I would draw pictures on my sketchpad from the rocking chair on the front porch.  We would eat Grandma's bbq ribs on the front porch.  We played cards and other games on the front porch.  When we were teenagers, my brother, Darren, would play his guitar and we would sing on the front porch.  It was a place to greet visitors and walkers-by.

Just writing about it brings back certain sounds and smells and images.

Whenever I am asked what my favorite place was when I was young, I am almost always transported back in time to the porch at Grandpa and Grandma's house in Manitou Springs.

My mom made a witty comment a year or two ago about houses with front porches.  She said she has always thought they were so charming to look at and thought she wanted a big one too, but she has realized that she rarely, if ever, sees anyone on their front porch!

What!?!

We live in a house with a front stoop.  Three stairs and a concrete slab.  Not exactly a front porch.   On our little slab of a porch, we (Tim and I) have enjoyed nighttime talks and prayer after the boys are in bed.  I enjoy sitting on the steps with the boys during the day eating popsicles or watching the ants march by.  Just this morning, I was sitting with Ben, letting him enjoy the cool morning breeze and said "Hi" to two neighbors who were out for walks with dogs.  It allows us space to get out of our home and into our neighborhood.  This little stoop offers a breath of fresh air into our lives.

I remember dreaming with Tim after we were married a year or two about what characteristics we would love to have in a home.  We were dreaming big!  Fenced in yard, back patio, garage space for Tim to have tool space, master bathroom (ah!), three bedrooms, play room for the kids.  The list was quite extensive, but one thing we both agreed on with lots of enthusiasm - a big, wrap around front porch!

I think (or hope) we would be people who would use it.  We are thinking more seriously about moving to Hudson, where Tim is now working at the church.  As we begin to make that transition we are prayerful that God would make it obvious what home to purchase and that he would prepare the way in the neighborhood that we may move to.  Oh, and what a delight to ask God if we might have a front porch.  One thing I've learned about God is that although we may not deserve or receive all the things that we want in this life on earth - He does delight in giving us good things and He alone is able to do abundantly more than all we ask or imagine.

I will ask for (not expect) a big, welcoming front porch for our next home.  And while I wait to see how God might answer, I will enjoy my concrete slab.

In spite of my filthy rags

My sweet Caleb, who calls me a "pwincess" when he sees me in a dress, is also a typical little boy - one who is struggling with potty training.

Who am I kidding?  I, his mama, am struggling with potty training.  July was a dream.  Peeing and pooping in the potty was the norm and it was exciting for him.  Inside I had determined that Tim and I had successfully potty trained our eldest son - check.  

August has been a completely different story. 

What is wrong with me?  I would like a formula to produce a completely happy and 100% potty-trained child.  In my sane moments, I know that I am not alone, and I just sigh and tell myself to take it one day at a time.  In my not-so-sane moments, I am angry and frustrated.  

Cleaning up a poopy diaper is one thing, but cleaning up poopy underwear, shorts, legs, feet, is not pretty.  It's gross.  Tonight, as I was unloading the boys from the van, I felt reminded by God to be filled with grace and love.  In the past, I have made Caleb attempt to clean up his own mess - which is quite messy and lengthy.  In my determination to treat him with grace and love, I decided I would help him tonight.  

Here's the deal.  As I was washing him up and rinsing the underwear and shorts in the toilet, I was wondering if Caleb was realizing the sacrifice that I was making by taking care of his mistake for him.  I wanted him to be filled with regret for what he had done and filled with gratefulness for how I was helping him.  

God spoke to me as I was on my knees in the bathroom, "Do you always respond to me in regret and sorrow over your mistakes?  Are you always filled with gratitude for the eternal ways that I help you?"  I was reminded of the passage in Isaiah:

"All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away." 
- Isaiah 64:6

It is awful and gross to clean up after Caleb's accident, but this verse reminds me that even the most righteous things I do are like filthy (poopy) rags to God.  In spite of my filthy rags, God chooses to treat me with grace, upon grace, upon grace.  

I am humbled.

Lord, thank you for your love and grace towards me as I stumble through life each day.  Help me grow into maturity, to look more like Jesus, to love because I have experienced the lavish love you freely give me.  Teach me to love and extend grace to my son, to love him as he matures step by step - no matter how long it takes.  

Thank you for Caleb - he is a precious gift. 

"You'wa a pwincess?"

Tim is moving his office from his Assembly of God office to a home office in the basement.  He's quite pleased with this new space - his version of a man cave.  "Man cave" for Tim is a place filled with books and a space to think deeply.   So, a little portion of our basement has been given to accommodate his desk, his files and his many, many books.

Caleb has been a great helper in this move.  He went to the office to help Tim pack up the books and clean the bookshelves, he helped Tim unpack the boxes and organize his desktop with the knick knacks that follow Tim wherever he goes.  His little miniature John Deere tractors, his past InterVarsity nametags, and a variety of sentimental rocks from various Cedar Campus activities.  

Amongst the array of knick knacks is a framed picture of me in my wedding dress on our wedding day.   Caleb saw the picture and said to Tim, "Mom's a princess?"  Tim thought this was so sweet of course and had Caleb tell me what he said when I came to the basement later.   Caleb just looked at me and the picture and with a little smirk on his face and in a voice that has a little trouble with "r's" he said again, "You'wa a pwincess?"  My heart melted.

I'm not exactly a frilly girl, but there is something magical and desirable about being a princess.  By definition a princess is a girl who's father is a king.  My childhood memories lead my mind to believe a princess is also beautiful, rich (because her dad runs the kingdom) and highly protected from any sort of danger or evil - i.e. dragons, evil witches and sorcerers, and any sort of deadly potion or poison.  To be a princess is wonderful.

As I understand my relationship to God - in Christ, I realize I have a new identity.  I am God's daughter... which makes me a princess, because he is KING.  I have a rich Father, who loves me and protects me.  He lavishes me with the most wonderful gifts that I do not deserve.  He calls me beautiful, not because of how I look or anything I've done, but because I belong to Him.

This morning I put on a skirt as I was getting ready for church.  Caleb walked by the bathroom door, looked at me and again, with his sweet little smirk he asked, "Mom, you'wa a pwincess?"
Yes, Caleb I am.

Three simple truths

Transition seems to be the theme of the past few months.  After 6 years in the upstairs of our duplex, Tim and I decided to move to the main level.  We spent the month of June painting ceilings, walls, trim and doors on the main level and putting a special water sealing paint on the walls and floors of the basement.  We moved by July 1st and have doubled our living space with a toy room and storage in the basement!  Not exactly moving across the country, but it was a BIG transition for us.

After 10 years as staff or staff wife with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, Tim has taken a new job as a pastor at a church in Hudson, WI.  Wow!  What a change.  I consider my staff friends and co-laborers my "family."  We loved the mission to the University and continue to love it, but God has been gently leading us to the local church.  We are so very excited as we see how He has carefully led us into this next phase of life, but bittersweet is word of the month.  We will miss our InterVarsity family and anticipate a struggle of feelings and emotions as we enter into a new and unknown territory.  I have never been more grateful to have God go before us and to have Tim as my partner as we navigate this new adventure.

And our boys are growing up and changing everyday.  Caleb, at age 3 1/2, is becoming more and more independent.  Each day he is a puzzle for me to figure.  Some days he is playful and inquisitive and helpful, while other days he is slow to obey and quick to fall apart.  Who am I kidding??  These mood swings do not come a day at a time, his personality can change from hour to hour at times.  But, gosh, I just love him so much!  When I am calm and reflective, I realize that while I am struggling to love and discipline a boy I love so much, I am more and more aware of God's love and grace for me, who like a 3 1/2 year old can be so very fickle.  And I am in awe.  And I am humbled.

Benjamin is 7 1/2 months old.  He is a blessing to our family!  Smiley, content, and changing right before my eyes.  Two boys!!  Thank you Jesus for our healthy little boys.  Teach me to pray diligently for their hearts to know you and follow after you.  I pray they would become men who love and care for people because they know the LOVE and CARE God so freely gives them.

Tim and I have already experienced the enemy's attempt to fill us with insecurities and doubts about this next phase of life.  Praise God that His truth has prevailed in our lives.  We are resolved to listen to God's clear voice, who calls and sustains us.  What a joy to know our BIG God, our GOOD God and to know He LOVES us.  Right now, we are teaching these 3 simple truths to Caleb...

God is BIG
God is GOOD
God LOVES you

...and we need to cling to these truths ourselves.  As simple as it sounds, when facing unknowns and the temptation to be doubtful of our call to the local church or feel insecure in who we are as we enter into new relationships, these 3 simple truths will sustain my faith.

Even as I face the unknown and uncertain things of earth, I can know and be certain that God is BIG, God is GOOD and God LOVES me.